WWE RAW Report: June 14th 2008

by on 15th July 2008

Ok, so RAW is over. I have done this before; I am not going to do play by play for the matches because you can get that from any amount of places. I will give a brief bit of information about the match, followed by my opinions (I will also do this for important or interesting backstage segments too). I will also rate each match out of 5.

– RAW opened with the McMahon siblings telling us again how sad they are for daddy being hurt and we want everyone to play nice.
– Please, cut the shit. RAW is chaotic with an authority figure, so why would it be any different without one? It is a wrestling show, there is no chance we will see them playing nice. To steal a line from TNA in the early days, the inmates are running the asylum

– Chris Jericho and HBK are seen brawling at random at the bottom of the ramp. Kane’s pyro explodes after Jericho and HBK have been separated and dragged to the back, Kane makes his was out with a brown bag in hand, he walks over by the announcers, he scares Lillian and the other peons away. He then goes to the announce table, shouts “I’m Sorry” at Michael Cole then walks away…
– OK? I am confused as hell. I understand the HBK/Jericho thing, but Kane apologizing? No way.

Mickie James defeated Katie Lea with a Diving Thesz Press in a non-title match
– Not a bad match, I still question why Mickie got another clean win over Katie, especially considering it was a non-title match. This would be a way to give Mickie her next shot at the womens championship. **1/2

– Post match, Paul Burchill holds Mickie for Katie, but here comes Kofi Kingston to save the day and get revenge. This leads to….

– Kofi Kingston defeated Paul Burchill with a Trouble in Paradise to retain the Intercontinental Championship
Again, not a bad match but we have effectively killed Paul Burchill’s push towards the Intercontinental Championship. This would have made more sense had this been a non-title match and Burchill got a clean win on Kofi because it would give us a reason for this feud to continue. I’m giving this ***

– Santino Marella informs Matt Striker he made an open challenge tonight and he’ll make everyone forget what Ray Maestro did to him last week. Someone will be death meat tonight. Kane is here with his bag and wants to know where Punk is. “Did you try the Pepsi machine?”
– Santino is comedy gold, but seriously, he needs to win a match every now and again, otherwise he will be a laughing stock for life.

– Kane tells CM Punk that he knows he is dead. Punk asks who “he” is, but Kane says they’ve been tag partners but he wants Punk in the ring tonight. Punk wants to prove the naysayers wrong, so he agrees. Punk asks what’s with the bag, and Kane laughs manically.

– T-Grish is with John Cena. Cena says he can’t be upbeat any more because of JBL’s challenge for a NYC Parking Lot Brawl. Cena says it’s not a match, it’s a war. They will find out if bone can break on concrete and if careers will be cut short. Cena says he does not like JBL and JBL doesn’t like him and they go back to Mania 21, and one more time, they will go at it at The Bash. It makes him sick that JBL considers himself a great American and he will break bones and smash his skull through window after window. He will take pleasure in seeing real fear in JBL’s eyes. Cena’s battle hungry, and he’s an angry son of a bitch. Hell will come to earth at the Bash and he will not stop until you remember the name John Cena. He accepts. He has a challenge of his own. Cryme Tyme are here. They hate JBL as much as Cena does. Cena tells JBL to find two partners and meet them in the ring for a six-man tag match. If you want some… come get some.
– I would love to know why Michael Cole announced this segment as Todd Grisham standing by with a very special guest. Why is Cena very special? Is he very special as in a special ed student? I suppose it would explain the JBL is poopy incident from last week. Overall, pretty pointless and long promo, he could have said all of that in 3 minutes and Kofi vs Burchill could have benefitted from the extra 2 minutes.

– Beth Phoenix defeated Santino Marella with a roll up
– OK, Santino has kissed goodbye to any sort of career outside of standup comedy. He lost to a woman, and not only lost, was pretty much dominated. -** (yes, that is negative 2 stars)

– Kelly Kelly is warming up in the backstage area. I stare intently and think naughty thoughts, but enough of that. Apparently, Kelly is in action next.

– After a break, she comes to the ring for her match but here come Simply Priceless, Rhodes and DiBiase. Ted says they don’t care that she has a match scheduled, so she can leave. And she does. Boo! Rhodes says they’re not bad people and they’re not their fathers. When you’re this talented, you don’t pay dues. Ted says they’re in their early 20s, and you can’t put a price on that. They are the future… Jim Duggan is here. He has know them since they were kids. He teamed with Dust and competed against Ted DiBiase. They’re old school. He agrees that they’re talented, but as people, they got a lot of growing up to do. Rhodes says he makes some valid points. But when he thinks about “grow up” he thinks of a 50 year old man coming out in gym shorts trying to relive his glory days that weren’t that glorious to begin with. Ted brings up something Steve Austin once said; if you don’t have what it takes to be a champion, you shouldn’t be in WWE. He ask Duggan if he thinks he has what it takes. He calls him pathetic and says he needs to grow up. They leave and Duggan is a sad panda. JBL is on the tron, and he wants them to be his partners. They agree.
– Really good promo, sadly, Kelly left so I didn’t get to look at her for long, but hey, maybe next week

– CM Punk defeated Kane by Count Out
– I see why Punk got the win here, but a count out? I understand they wanted to give him a win leading into the Bash, but come on, he was trying to prove he isn’t a fluke champion, then wins a count out? FLUKE. *1/2

– Kane throws chairs in the ring. He takes Punk down and fires off with right after right after right hand. Kane puts the chair around Punk’s neck and heads to the top rope… Batista is here! Kane comes down and takes a SPEAR! CHAIR SHOT TO KANE! That sends him out to the floor. Batista picks Punk up. Punk offers his hand and Batista talks trash. No shake. Batista pats Punk so Punk shoves Batista. Mistake! SPINEBUSTER! Batista leaves.

– We get clips of the limousine destruction from last week.

– Chris Jericho defeated Paul London with a Liontamer
– Yes, it was a Paul London sighting. I know this is rare, but I couldn’t help thinking that in Ring of Honor, or pretty much anywhere but WWE, this could be a definite match of the year candidate. It did serve the purpose and London didn’t get completely squashed, but he didn’t get much offense in.

– Jericho wants London to use this loss to change the path of his career. He can follows Jericho’s road of integrity, or Michaels’ path of deceit. He could achieve greatness, or go on Shawn’s path that leads to disgrace and pain. Shawn Michaels is out now. Cade is armed with a chair. HBK says everyone knows they won’t change each others mind. Shawn says Jericho doesn’t know the meaning of truth, but there is one thing they agree on. At The Bash, the worst is yet to come.

– Jamie Noble tries to convince Layla they could be RAW’s power couple. She doesn’t date short men. He’s above average size in many areas. He will probe it. The next guy that walks through here gets an ass kicking. Snitsky tells him to shut his mouth. Layla says now is his chance. Noble talks trash and we’re getting a match. Apparently, Snits just bought himself a one-way ticket on the Pain Train to Noblesville!

– Snitsky squashed Jamie Noble
– I can’t explain how wasted Jamie Noble is getting squashed by Snitsky, a former world champion in his own right, and he is booked like a moron. He should be booked like a Spike Dudley character where he is always smaller and somehow wins. There wasn’t even a ref in the ring so it wasn’t even a match.

– CTC defeated JBL and the WWE Tag Team Champions by a bullshit DQ finish
– What the fuck was this. Cena had the STFU on Rhodes, JBL runs in a kicks him to break it up, and he is DQ’d? WWE officiating is going to shit in the last 2 weeks. Last week, Jericho was DQ’d for pulling the tights in a rollup, this week, JBL is DQ’d for breaking up a submission? Well, this isn’t the last of it. Before the finish, this was a **1/2 match, with the result, its more of a *1/4 match

– This is where shit gets interesting. John Cena is pissed that JBL kicked him, so JBL runs and Cena, being a moron follows him. JBL runs and goes through a door into the parking lot. Cena follows him outside and looks around before JBL jumps him from behind. After 2 punches, Cena is laid up against a car, JBL jogs down the parking lot, jumps in another car, then floors it crashing into Cena. Or does he? RAW goes off the air…
– Now, people may argue with me on this, but this is fucking retarded. I only last night posted a column about TNA not firing Vince Russo, then WWE goes and pulls this bullshit finish. How can anyone defend this? Why were there no “Fire Gerwitz” or “Fire Dunn” chants following this shit? The worst thing is, Cena will talk into the Bash “injured” and he will still win, overcoming all the odds to beat JBL and then brushing it off like Superman does with bullets. I have been a wrestling fan for almost 20 years, I am sick of WWE really questioning my intelligence, if Cena even walks by Sunday, WWE should go and just close its doors. If not, they could get Vince McMahon, and actually do that to him in reality, make sure the car hits him then see if he gets up and walks 6 days later. People talk about how WWE has been more spontaneous as of late, there is a difference between spontaneous and retarded and insulting. This angle, and especially the follow up, will be the following.

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